Dying to be Thin
by Asch Isozaki
Summary: When a nightmare causes Psyche to question his weight, he chooses to cut back on sweets. When he decides it isn't enough, he turns to starving himself. When Psyche developes a serious eating disorder, will his lover ,Tsugaru, and his friends be able to help him or will it lead him to his end? Rated T although rating could change.
1. 1-Nightmare

**Disclaimer - I do not own Durarara! Or any of the characters**

_**Author's note - This is my first time working with Durarara! So the character personalities may be OC. I apologize for that ahead of time.**_

* * *

_What seemed like endless shelves of pastries, cakes, candies, and many other sweets surrounded the room. The sweet scent of sugar was overwhelming.. _

_At the moment, Psyche Orihara felt as if he had died and gone to heaven._

_Reaching towards the closest shelf, he eagerly picked up a vanilla cupcake, the top smothered in chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles. To Psyche, it was absolutely beautiful._

_Without hesitation, he pulled the brown wrapper from the small cake, and took a huge bite._

_It tasted amazing._

_He wasted no time finishing off the sweet desert, and immediately went for another. This time it was a dark brown chocolate truffle with sugar crystals sprinkled all over it. _

_Psyche popped the small circular sweet into his mouth, moaning in pleasure at how good it tasted._

_He wanted to taste so much more._

_The raven haired male reached forward again, but his slender hand only touched glass. A mirror. _

_His reflection terrified him._

_His once slim body was now __elephantine and disgusting. He couldn't have weighed anything short of five hundred pounds. _

_He stared down at his hands, they were chubby and bloated. His eyes widened in horror, and his vision began to become distorted and blurry. _

_He felt dizzy. The room seemed to heat up, he could barely breathe._

_Psyche felt the contents of his stomach bubble up inside, churning and tossing around looking for an exit with no where to go but up. The temperature of the room seemed to skyrocket, and it seemed as if the walls were circling around him. The walls twirled faster and faster as the seconds went by. It felt as if his entire stomach was shooting up his throat._

Psyche bolted up, what he had eaten only hours earlier rushed out of his mouth in a waterfall of greens and browns. The gooey substance pooled on the midnight blue comforter in front of him and some of it landed on his soft pink pajama shirt.

Salty water ran down his flushed cheeks as he began to dissolve in tears. He began to cry uncontrollably, his lithe body shaking.

He didn't notice the larger figure next to him rise, and he barely heard the soft yet concerned voice of his lover.

"Psyche-Chan, are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?"

Tsugaru Heiwajima reached out his hand to stroke the other male's cheek, frowning slightly. He hated when the other cried.

Something else caught his eye.

Even in the dark, he could still make out the small puddle of vomit in front of Psyche.

"Psyche…" he murmured, rising out of bed, only to walk around to the other side of the mattress where his boyfriend was sobbing.

"It's alright Psyche-Chan…" Tsugaru said softly, gently rubbing the smaller man's back. "Why don't you go take a shower..? I'll clean up this mess."

Tsugaru kissed Psyche's forehead, wiping away the salty tears that were currently running down the raven's soft red cheeks.

Psyche didn't respond as he continued to cry. He did, however, slowly get out the soft bed. He fell nearly as soon as he rose, the weight of his body felt too much for him. He felt heavy, as if he really was as overweight as he was in his nightmare.

Tsugaru was immediately at his side, pulling him into a tight hug, ignoring the vomit that caked Psyche's shirt.

"Shh..It'll be okay Psyche…Please don't cry.." he soothed, stroking his lover's hair. "It was just a nightmare..Don't worry.." Tsugaru guessed that was the reason Psyche was bawling.

Psyche still said nothing, but he leaned against Tsugaru's firm chest, placing his head on his shoulder.

Tsugaru lifted Psyche up off the carpeted floor, carrying him bridal style into the bathroom.

Placing him down temporarily on the toilet seat, he turned to the bathtub, turning the porcelain faucet on.

As he waited for the tub to fill with warm water, he began to strip Psyche of his pajamas. Tsugaru slowly unbuttoned his boyfriend's puke-stained pink shirt, before sliding it off his shoulders and onto the floor next to the toilet.

Next, he pulled down the silky, white pajama pants off, along with Psyche's boxers.

Psyche only watched as Tsugaru removed his clothing, his sobs quieting a bit. When the last articles of his clothing were removed, she shivered, the cold air of the bathroom coming in contact with his smooth skin.

When he was lifted up once again by Tsugaru, and placed into the bathtub, he closed his eyes, his sobs vanishing. The hot water felt absolutely amazing. As the warmth spread through his body, he sighed a bit, a tiny smile coming across his face, his earlier nightmare forgotten.

He could hear the bathroom door close as Tsugaru exited the room.

Sinking deeper into the water, he relaxed even more. The water felt so good, he could stay in his current spot forever. He didn't want to fall asleep in the water though, so after three or four more minutes he sat back up, opening his eyes.

Psyche's pink eyes wandered around the bathroom, resting on the mirror. His eyes widened a bit, fear overcoming him as he remembered his dream.

Slowly rising from the water, Psyche started towards the mirror. His legs felt heavy, as if they were sticks of thick lead. He kept his head down, not wanting to look at his reflection, worried about what he would see.

Gathering up his courage, he took a deep breath. Hesitating, he slowly began to lift his head, shaking once again. When he saw his regular self in the mirror, he sighed in relief. Smiling, he laughed at how ridiculous he was acting. Of course he looked the same.

When he looked again, however, he saw the same, obese reflection from his nightmare staring back at him. Psyche stared in horror, the sickening feeling coming over him again.

Shaking his head furiously, he shut his eyes tightly, turning away from the mirror.

It wasn't real, he knew it wasn't real.

But..What if it was becoming true?

Was he gaining weight, and his dream was warning him what would happen if he didn't do something about it. Quickly, he pulled the scale out of the sink cupboard. He wasted no time stepping onto it. Watching the dial move, his heart sank as it passed the number it had stopped at the last time he had weighed himself.

Psyche immediately stepped off the scale, not wanting to know how much weight he had gained.

His eyes filled with tears as he once again looked at his reflection again. He could see it now. He really did look bigger.

He really was gaining weight.

Grabbing the soft towel from the rack, he wrapped it around his waist, exiting the bathroom.

"Ts-Tsu-Chan…" he whimpered, wanting nothing more than for the other male to pull him into an embrace.

Tsugaru had been putting a different comforter on the queen-sized bed, but turned at the sound of Psyche's voice.

"Psyche-Chan, I thought you were taking a bath..Are you still upset?" he asked, taking note of the tone of Psyche's voice.

When he felt Psyche hug him, he wrapped his arms around the smaller male, pulling him closer to his chest.

"Tsu-Ch-Chan..D-Do you th-think I'm getting f-fat?" Psyche stuttered, trying not to start crying again. He knew Tsugaru would be honest with him, he just prayed the answer would be no.

Tsugaru was shocked at his boyfriend's question. So this is what he was upset about?

"No Psyche, of course not…Why would you think you're getting bigger?" he asked, clueless as to why Psyche would feel as if he was getting fatter.

"B-Because..I-I h-had a dream..th-that I was f-fat.. And wh-when I weighed myself I weighed m-more than l-last time..I-I even feel heavier..Have I been eating too much…?"he asked, remembering the other part of his nightmare where he had been surrounded by sweets. Did it mean he was eating too many sweet things?

"Hush Psyche, you're not getting fat.. You can't stay the same weight forever, so don't worry about. What you need to do is get some rest." Tsugaru answered, kissing Psyche's forehead. "And you're not eating too much. The only thing you need to be concerned about right now is getting some sleep."

Walking over to the wooden dresser 0n the other side of the room, he opened one of the drawers, pulling out a fresh pair of baby blue pajamas.

"Here you go Psyche-Chan, change quickly so you can go to bed."

When Psyche had finished putting the clothes on, he crawled into the bed, letting Tsugaru drape the comforter over him.

"There, now get some rest.." Tsugaru smiled softly at Psyche, before picking the towel Psyche had previously had wrapped around his waist.

Entering the bathroom once again, he picked up Psyche's dirty pink pajamas, before draining the water in the bathtub.

He would stick everything in the washing machine, before going to bed himself. He would stick everything in the dryer in the morning.

As he loaded everything into the washing machine, Tsugaru's thoughts wandered towards what Psyche had asked.

No, of course his lover wasn't getting fat. But, he really had been eating more sweets than usual. He knew his boyfriend had a sweet tooth, but it seemed like his craving for sweets had become worse in the last week or two.

Frowning at himself, he shook his head.

Psyche wasn't becoming fat, and even if he was, he would still love him.

Turning the washing machine, he headed back to the bedroom, where Psyche was sound asleep.

'_Everything will be better in the morning…Psyche will have forgotten this entire thing by then..' _he thought, laying next to his lover, closing his eyes as he drifted off.

* * *

**Yes! Chapter one is finally written~! I've wanted to write this for a while now, so I'm so glad that I finally have the first chapter up. A special thanks to my friend Lala who drew the picture for the story and helped me write some of this. Sorry if it's a bit sloppy, I'm exhausted right now..I just didn't want to go to sleep without finishing this first though. Well then, I would be so thankful if you reviewed~! Again, sorry for the OCness of the two characters. So then…**

**Reviews are encouraged.**

**Bye~**


	2. 2-Beginning

**Disclaimer - Don't own Durarara! Or the characters.**

**Author's note - this chapter was rushed so it's sloppy. Sorry! I wanted to update as soon as possible since I haven't had access to my laptop for a while. Gah, why did I even post it? It's so short and just..ugh..boring. Next chapter will be where things start getting more interesting (yay!)**

Psyche sat on the plush, white sofa in the living room, hugging his knees close to his chest. Tsugaru was at work, so that gave him time to think.

The dream he had was still fresh in his mind, and it still worried him. He couldn't help but keep thinking that was what he was headed towards. That would be him in the future if he didn't do something about it.

'_I could start going to the gym..'_ Psyche had never been to the gym before, he never felt the need to. Before last night he never really thought about his weight. _'Maybe that's how I got here..' _he thought to himself. If he would've kept better track of his weight then he wouldn't be in the situation he was currently in.

Psyche lay back, thinking of what he had eaten so far. _'Tsu-Chan made pancakes and sausage for breakfast, maybe I should've had just one pancake instead of two.' _he nodded to himself, that would've been a wiser decision.

'_Okay, what else? I drank apple juice with breakfast, I should drink more water. And cut down on the sweets too..' _Psyche frowned at the thought, it would be hard to eat less sweets, he loved them.

'_Well maybe if I didn't love them so much I wouldn't be getting fat.' _it made sense. Candy make you fat, fruits and vegetables keep you thin.

"I should go to the store later and buy some veggies, I don't think we have many," Psyche liked fruits, but he had never really liked vegetables. He would eat them if it kept him from turning into the person he had seen in his nightmare last night.

It was around the time he normally ate lunch, so he got up to go into the kitchen. He decided he'd just eat a sandwich since he knew that was healthy.

"I should probably buy whole wheat bread when I go too the store too. It's better than white bread," Psyche smiled happily at his decision, pulling two slices of bread from the plastic bag. Laying them on the counter, he went to the fridge to decide what he would put on his sandwich. He quickly decided on using ham and cheese. Normally he would put two slices of ham and two slices of cheese, but this time he used just one slice of each. Placing the contents onto the bread, he grabbed a bottle of water before putting his sandwich on a paper plate. He carried his lunch back into the living room, sitting back down on the couch. He decided to go on a walk after he finished eating, so he could work off some of the calories.

Looking at the rows of vegetables in front of him, Psyche frowned. Everything looked so tasteless, and a large portion looked, well…green.

He sighed, starting to put someone to food items in his basket. Carrots, lettuce, cucumbers, everything he usually avoided.

It would pay off in the long run though, as long as he stayed thin. Psyche smiled, trying to cheer himself up.

"Tsu-Chan will be so proud of me for eating healthier."

Although he believed that, when Tsugaru arrived home he was more confused than proud.

"Psyche-Chan, why did you buy all of these things? You don't eat any of them." He pointed out, looking at the various vegetables in the refrigerator.

"I decided to eat less sweets and more healthy things, that way I won't gain weight," was Psyche's answer. He kept a smile on his face, showing he was happy with his decision.

Tsugaru closed the door to the refrigerator, looking over to his boyfriend with a sigh.

"You don't need to worry about gaining any weight. It was just a nightmare Psyche-Chan, don't pay any attention to it." he gave Psyche a reassuring smile, playing his hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay Tsu-Chan, I just want to cut down on sweets for a while. I won't do anything dangerous."

**Author's note: ah…I don't like this chapter one bit..The next one will be much much better! The rest of the chapters will be much more interesting. (I've already started on the next!} **

**Anyways~ please review! It encourages me to write and update faster! If I think no ones reading the story I wont update as fast so~ review please!**


	3. 3-part 1 and Author

**Disclaimer - Don't own Durarara! Or the characters.**

**Author's note - This story is moving along so slowly..but don't worry! I haven't given up on it yet! High school is just so time consuming**

* * *

It wasn't working.

.

.

.

_Why _wasn't it working?

Psyche stared at his reflection in the mirror, and he was not pleased at all. He hadn't had any type of unhealthy food in the last two weaks, and yet his figure hadn't slimmed down one bit! Looking closer at himself in the mirror, he realized he might have even gotten a little bigger.

What was he doing wrong?

He couldn't continue his thoughts much longer, as he heard the faint voice of Tsugaru calling his name.

Puling his long-sleeved shirt back on, while not bothering to put on his signature jacket, he exited the bathroom.

He found his lover in the living room along with Delic, probably Psyche's closest friend. He hadn't seen the blonde in a while though, since he had gone on a trip with Hibiya a few weeks earlier.

"Deli-Chan~!" Psyche called out happily, running over to his friend and wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. "I missed you! How was your trip to America? Did you bring me a present?"

Delic patted the brunette's head, "Yeah, remember you said you wanted me to bring you back a cake? It's in the kitchen."

If he had said that two weeks earlier, Psyche would already be half way towards the kitchen, but since he was on a diet, one that wasn't working, he couldn't eat it.

He knew he couldn't tell Delic that though, because he knew the blonde would be pissed. Psyche knew his friend would tell him how he's _"Skinny as hell" _and even if he was gaining weight he shouldn't have to change his appearance.

He remembered that from one time when he asked Delic if he was gaining weight, but that time he didn't care nearly as much as now.

"-che. Psyche~?"

Psyche was too absorbed in his own thoughts to realize Delic had called his name several times already, and was now raising an eyebrow at him.

"Huh? Oh, what did you say Deli-Chan?" he asked, tilting his head a bit.

~end of part one~

**SORRY EVERYONE! I'm sure you thought I gave up on this story but I didn't~! It's just that school is killing me right now and I no longer have access to Fanfiction during the week since I have no internet. I only have it on the weekends when I'm at my dad's house. That's a good thing though. From now on there will be a new chapter every Saturday. And if you're wondering why this chapter is so insanely short and cuts off out of nowhere, it's because I'm busy this weekend so I can't update and I REFUSE to wait one more day to update this! I'm actually at school right now.I will try and find the time to finish this chapter this weekend but it's very doubtful. The next chapter will just be the completed form of this chapter and it'll also be the start of his serious stage of anorexia and also some some purging..I'm so sorry guys! Just know I will NOT abandon this story!**

**And also, what other characters would you like to see in this story? Definate characters are - Psyche *duh*, Tsugaru *duh*, Delic, and Hibiya.**

**So...would you like to see: **

**Shizuo & Izaya**

**Roppi & Tsukishima**

**Kanra & Shizuo's female alternate who I do not know the name of ^-^'...**

**or**

**Sakuraya & Shitsuo**

**Please let me know~**

**Till next Saturday, bye bye~**


	4. 3-Drastic measures

**Author's note - This is just the full version of chapter three. Sorry I didn't update like I said I would..Just been so damn busy lately..But don't worry~ the story will continue! I promise!**

* * *

It wasn't working.

.

.

.

_Why _wasn't it working?

Psyche stared at his reflection in the mirror, and he was not pleased at all. He hadn't had any type of unhealthy food in the last two weaks, and yet his figure hadn't slimmed down one bit! Looking closer at himself in the mirror, he realized he might have even gotten a little bigger.

What was he doing wrong?

He couldn't continue his thoughts much longer, as he heard the faint voice of Tsugaru calling his name.

Puling his long-sleeved shirt back on, while not bothering to put on his signature jacket, he exited the bathroom.

He found his lover in the living room along with Delic, probably Psyche's closest friend. He hadn't seen the blonde in a while though, since he had gone on a trip with Hibiya a few weeks earlier.

"Deli-Chan~!" Psyche called out happily, running over to his friend and wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. "I missed you! How was your trip to America? Did you bring me a present?"

Delic patted the brunette's head, "Yeah, remember you said you wanted me to bring you back a cake? It's in the kitchen."

If he had said that two weeks earlier, Psyche would already be half way towards the kitchen, but since he was on a diet, one that wasn't working, he couldn't eat it.

He knew he couldn't tell Delic that though, because he knew the blonde would be pissed. Psyche knew his friend would tell him how he's _"Skinny as hell" _and even if he was gaining weight he shouldn't have to change his appearance.

He remembered that from one time when he asked Delic if he was gaining weight, but that time he didn't care nearly as much as now.

"-che. Psyche~?"

Psyche was too absorbed in his own thoughts to realize Delic had called his name several times already, and was now raising an eyebrow at him.

"Huh? Oh, what did you say Deli-Chan?" he asked, tilting his head a bit.

"Got your head in the clouds, Psyche? Hibiya and I were going out to dinner tonight. Do you and Tsugaru want to come with us? It'll be like a double date," his blonde friend explained to him, smirking a bit.

Psyche watched Delic for a few seconds, unsure of what to say. If he agreed there was no doubt Delic would find out about his diet, but he couldn't reject his friend either.

The raven looked over to Tsugaru, who had been pretty much silent through Psyche and Delic's conversation. It wasn't unusual, Tsugaru was a generally quiet person.

"Do you want to, Tsu-Chan?" he asked, tilting his head to the side a bit. He was hoping his lover would say no, even though the chances were pretty slim. Tsugaru had no reason to decline Delic.

"I don't see why not, it'd be a good time to catch up," Tsugaru answered, smiling lightly.

Psyche felt his heart sink a little, but smiled anyways.

"Alright!" he said in his usual cheery voice. _'it'll be alright..I'll just have a salad or something..'_

~..*..*..~

Psyche buttoned up his signature coat, running his fingers through his hair as he looked at himself in the mirror.

He frowned, taking the jacket off.

Psyche had never noticed before how big the fur coat made him look. Placing his formerly beloved coat in the closet, he looked at his reflection once again. Better.

Smiling at himself, he exited the room. Tsugaru was waiting for him in the living room. He wasn't wearing his usual kimono.

Instead he was wearing a light blue T-shirt, white pants, and a white jacket.

When Tsugaru saw Psyche wasn't wearing his coat, he looked a little surprised.

"You're not going to wear your coat?" he asked, raising an eyebrow in question.

Psyche simply shrugged, smiling at him.

"I don't like it anymore." he stated, heading for the front door.

Tsugaru watched the raven for a few seconds, before deciding he was just going through a weird phase. He followed after him, grabbing his car keys as he exited the house.

~..*..*..~

Tsugaru's light blue Corolla pulled up to the restauraunt Delic had told him to go to.

It was no surprise that the place was rather fancy, Delic and Hibiya seemed to like expensive things.

Tsugaru and Psyche found the two waiting towards the entrance for them.

"Hi Deli-Chan~, hi Hibiya," Psyche greeted the two, wrapping his arms around Delic to give him a hug.

It didn't last very long though, he could feel Hibiya staring at him and could tell he didn't want him hugging Delic. Hibiya always was the jealous type.

The pink-eyed male let go of his friend, attaching himself to Tsugaru's arm.

"Okay~ let's go inside!" he said happily, trying to sound enthusiasic. On the inside though, he just wanted to go home. Although he hadn't eaten anything today, the smell of the food coming from the establishment made him want to vomit. He could tell this would be a long evening.

~..*..*..~

The four were seated at a table and gave them their menus, giving them time to browse them.

All of the food listed on the menu sounded so good, and the pictures looked amazing, but at the same time the food disgusted him. How could something that looks so good be so bad?

Psyche kept his eyes on the salads, figuring which one would be best for him to eat. _'Nothing with meat in it.._' he thought, which nailed it down to only a few.

He decided on the cucumber salad, it was small and healthy, even though Psyche hated cucumbers. When he placed his menu down Delic looked up at him.

"Figure out what you want?" he asked.

"Mhm..The cucumber salad," he said with a small smile.

"...Psyche, you hate cucumbers. And salad. Don't worry about the price of anything on the menu, Hibiya and I are paying. Choose whatever you want," Delic replied, figuring Psyche was ordering the salad because it was cheap.

"I'm not really hungry though, so I'll just stick with the salad," this time it was Tsugaru who looked at him.

"Psyche, I haven't seen you eat anything at all today. Are you feeling alright?" he asked, a look of concern on his face. Before Pscyhe could answer him though, Delic spoke up again.

"You haven't eaten anything today? Order some actual food then Psyche. Why don't you get...The nabeyaki udon?"

Psyche didn't object, but nodded instead. "That sounds good, Deli-Chan," he said, keeping up his happy act. On the inside though, he was screaming. Nabeyaki udon was _atleast _530 calories.

When the waitor came back to take their order, he had no choice but to order the udon, but was able to get away with getting water for a drink.

The conversation that took place while waiting for the food to arrive consisted of how Delic and Hibiya's vacation went.

Psyche was back to his regular self, that is, until the food arrived.

The moment the dish was set infront of him, his smile dropped. '_Thats a lot of food..' _he thought, poking the food a bit with his chopsticks.

Psyche frowned a bit, and put his chopsticks down, picking up his glass of water, sipping it quietly.

"Why aren't you eating Psyche-Chan? Are you sick?" his lover asked, after a few minutes had passed by and Psyche still hadn't eaten anything.

"Huh? No Tsu-chan! I'm completely fine!" Psyche answered, laughing. Picking up his chopsticks, he picked some of his food up and putting it in his mouth, showing Tsugaru that he was fine.

Tsugaru, not very convinced, watched Psyche for a minute, before sighing a bit, letting it go.

When Psyche swallowed the food, he felt like throwing up, but held it down along with holding back a few tears that stung his eyes.

~..*..*..~

It took Psyche much longer to finish his food than the others, only eating bits at a time. The only reason he ate all of it was because Delic and Tsugaru urged him on.

He felt disgusting for eating all of that food.

"Alright Psyche-Chan, are you ready to leave?" Tsugaru asked, standing up from the table along with Delic and Hibiya.

Psyche nodded, "mhm, just let me use the bathroom first," he said, standing up and walking away from the trio.

When he entered the rather clean bathroom, he was glad no one else was in there.

He stepped infront of the sinks, turning one on. Psyche cupped some of the cool water, splashing his face with it a few times.

"Good going Psyche, now what are you going to do..?" he asked himself, drying his face off with a papertowel.

How long would it take to walk off 530 calories? It was getting dark though, Tsugaru wouldn't let him go walking. What else could he do to get rid of the calories though?

It took a few minutes, but Psyche came up with an idea, although it scared him a little. He was sure it would work though.

Shaking a bit, Psyche made his way towards the stalls, locking himself inside one.

Turning to face the toilet, he kneeled down infront of it, feeling a bit disgusted. He lifted his arm, placing two trembling fingers in his mouth. He pushed them back farther, until he triggered his gag reflex and pulled them out, a few tears slipping down his cheeks.

He hated this feeling.

Even so, he placed his now wet fingers back into his mouth, pushing them farther into his mouth like last time. This time though, he kept going until he felt himself about to vomit.

He pulled his fingers out just in time, vomiting all of his dinner into the toilet, his stomach now feeling empty.

As the contents of his stomach were falling into the toilet, tears ran down his now red cheeks. He felt pathetic and disgusting.

When he was finished throwing up, he slowly rose to his feet, salty tears still making their way down his face.

Psyche flushed what use to be his dinner down the toilet and exited the stall, letting out a few sobs.

* * *

**Now the real fun can start~!**

**Please review! It really encourages me to write. The more reviews I get, the faster I update. Here's why:**

**If I get reviews, I know there are people reading my story and want me to update.**

**If I don't get reviews I figure no one is reading my story and there's no rush in updating.**

**Also~ please tell me which other alternates you want to see in this story~! Refer to the last chapter to see the list.**

**Thank you!**

**bye :3**


	5. 4-The Beginning of misery

**Disclaimer - I do not own Durarara!**

**Damn, haven't updated this in _forever. _So sorry!**

* * *

Psyche lay in his bed, watching the white ceiling.

To avoid eating breakfast, again, he had told Tsugaru that he wasn't feeling well and just wanted to stay in bed and rest.

Tsugaru had obviously believed him because he had left him in bed while he went to make himself breakfast, saying he would check on him before he left for work.

Psyche, however, wasn't tired, nor was he ill, so he just lay in bed, listening out for his lover. Psyche decided that he would just pretend he was asleep when Tsugaru came in to check on him.

Psyche rolled on to his side, watching the wooden door. By now Tsugaru had most likely finished preparing his meal and would be close to finishing it.

The raven wondered what the blonde was eating. Whatever it was, it smell _amazing. _It made Psyche's mouth water.

He remembered when they use to eat breakfast together, only a few weeks ago. It seemed like so long ago that he had eaten any actual food. Psyche had occasionally eaten a few crackers or something small like that, but would make sure to walk it off right after. Anything else would just make him gain weight, and that wouldn't help him at all.

Psyche was truly proud of how well he was doing with his diet.

Ever since the incident at the restaurant, Psyche had thought of quite a few ways to avoid eating, so another incident like that would not happen. He wanted to avoid purging as much as possible, although if he ate more than he was supposed to then we would do it.

The only bad thing about his diet was how his interaction with Tsugaru changed. He wouldn't allow his boyfriend to hug him, see him out of his clothes, he wouldn't let the man touch him at all besides touching his hair and hold his hand. He didn't want Tsugaru to notice the weight change. But..Did the blonde think he was pushing him away because he was losing feelings for him?

The raven stopped thinking and closed his eyes, wrapping himself up in his blanket as he heard footsteps heading towards the room.

"Psyche-chan, are you awake?" he could hear his lover ask, his voice soft and gentle. He didn't reply though, trying his best to make it look like he truly was asleep. "Psyche-chan?" Tsugaru tried again, a little louder than last time. Still no could hear Tsugaru sigh a few seconds before he heard the door close. He didn't move though, until he heard the faint click of the front door closing.

Pulling the covers off, Psyche slid out of bed, shivering slightly as the warmth of his blanket was replaced with the chilly air in the room. He slipped out of his pajamas which were now too big for him, and changed into what he normally wore, a pink long-sleeved shirt and white jeans which needed to be worn with a belt now. Looking in the mirror, he sighed a bit. The raven hesitated at first, but stepped closer. Psyche looked down at his torso before he slowly rolled his shirt up, shaking a bit. Looking up at his reflection, he gasped, immediately rolling down his shirt.

Did he just see _stomach rolls?_

Psyche stared at his reflection in disbelief. He was...he was getting _bigger_?

The male's eyes swelled up with tears as he hugged his own body tightly. _'What am I doing wrong?__' _he thought, letting the tears slip down his pale cheeks.

"What's wrong with me...?" he whispered to himself, choking on his words a bit. He didn't dare look in the mirror again, he didn't want to see his revolting reflection. Wiping away his tears with his trembling hands, Psyche walked to the closet. There was a sheet on the top shelf. He had to stand on his toes to get it but was able to grab hold of it. He kept his eyes downcast to make sure he didn't see his reflection as he made his way back over to the mirror. Psyche tossed the sheet over it and opened his eyes, making the sheet cover the surface a bit neater.

He smiled a bit, picking his headphones and MP3 player up from off the dresser. The raven haired male placed the headphones on his head and the music player in his pocket and then giggled a bit, somehow feeling better. Psyche looked to the corner of the room where his jacket lay. He went to pick it up, humming a cheerful tune as he slipped it on.

Psyche didn't like his jacket much anymore because of how big it made him look, but he wore it anyway so no one could tell he was losing weight. Well, he _thought _he was losing weight.

"N-Now that I think about it...my clothes feel a bit tighter.." he murmured to himself, tugging at the white fabric of his jacket. "I guess I should cut back a little more on eating, and exercise more.."

Psyche walked out the room, figuring he should go out for a jog. He slipped on his sneakers and laced them up before he exited the house.

At first he had to squint, the morning sun burning his pink orbs. When his eyes finally adjusted though, he smiled. It was such a beautiful day out. He stretched his arms and let out a giggle as he walked out to the sidewalk. He turned his MP3 on and began to walk down the street, picking up his pace as he got farther, until he was jogging.

Jogging turned to running.

Running turned to sprinting.

Even as he felt tired, he kept going. He had to push himself if he wanted to lose the weight. He slowed a little every time he got tired but not _once _did he slow to a walk. He kept running.

Eventually his legs began to feel like jelly and he had a sharp pain in his side when he inhaled, but he didn't want to stop, so he kept going.

~~...~~...~~

Psyche lay on a bench in the park, panting heavily as he tried to catch his breath. He wiped more sweat from his forehead and from the side of his neck, his arm shaking as he did so.

He had run for so long, he finally had to stop, so he found a place to rest. The place that was closest was the park so that was where he went.

He closed his eyes, feeling light-headed. If there was anything in his stomach, he probably would have vomited. He also felt chills, it was like he was sick.

_'Will I really have to go through this _everyday_? I don't think I'll be able to take it..' _he thought silently, sighing a bit.

_"Go ahead and quit, fatty! You'll just blow up like a big balloon!" _a voice in his head yelled at him, making his heart throb a bit. _"If you_ really_ want to lose the weight you'll do it. But if you want to go through life having to feel disgusting anytime you see yourself then go ahead. And I'm sure Tsugaru wants to be with a person, not an elephant."_

Psyche squeezed his eyes closed tighter to try to stop himself from tearing up. He wanted to cry so badly. He was exhausted, he felt sick, he was hungry, he wa light-headed.

He was truly miserable, and yet, this was only the beginning.

* * *

**Okay, so my writing isn't as detailed and good as the first chapter but here's why : When I first wrote this I was so excited and inspired. Now, it's like "Dammit, let me just get this done."**

**I need encouragement to continue this story guys! Review, favorite, so something please~! Don't just read and leave . I know you guys do that..Tell me if its good, tell me if its bad. I'll write better and I'll update faster if I know you guys want me to, not just once every few months (So sorry about that, high school is a bitch.)**

**Anyways, till next time, bye~!**

**PS. I'm rushing to get this chapter up, so I did not spell check.**


	6. 5 - Severed bonds

**Disclaimer - I do not own Durarara!**

**Don't worry~ I haven't abandoned this!**

* * *

Psyche would have stayed asleep much longer if someone hadn't shaken him awake. It wasn't a gentle shake like the kind Tsugaru used to wake him when he dozed off, it was rough and it nearly caused him to fall off the bench he had been laying on. The raven's body jumped noticeably, eyes darting toward whoever had touched him. He recognized the person immediately.

"D-Delic, you scared me," Psyche said a bit quietly, sitting up.

"_I _scared _you_?" Delic asked, anger tinting his voice, "I've been looking all over for you! Do you know how worried I was?! Did you notice how worried _Tsugaru _was?! I thought you were sick, why weren't you home resting?"

Psyche hesitated, fidgeting a bit as he thought of a reply. "I...I just wanted to get some fresh air..S-So I went for a walk..I guess I lost track of time, I'm sorry," his voice shook as he apologized to his friend.

"Next time at least tell someone that you're leaving and where the fuck you're going. We thought something bad could have happened to you. Come on..Let's get you home. I'll text Tsugaru, he's probably on the verge of a heart attack worrying about you.

~...~

Not even a minute after the raven had stepped through the door he was engulfed bythe blue and white pattern of Tsugaru's kimono, the scent of his cologne flooding his nostrils. If it had been any other day Psyche would have relaxed into the other's warm and comforting embrace. Instead, he did the exact opposite, he tensed up.

"Psyche, I'm so glad you're alright," Tsugaru said softly, raising a hand to stroke Psyche's dark hair, but not before he placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. It took a lot for Psyche to keep himself from flinching away from his touch.

"I found the moron sleeping in some park. He said he was out to get fresh air and lost track of time," Delic spoke up from his spot at the door way. His friend no longer sounded angry, although there was a bit of annoyance in his tone.

"Is that so?" Tsugaru asked, his voice calm and gentle as it always was. Psyche wasn't sure if he was talking to him or if he was talking to Delic. His eyes were downcast after all, unable to meet the blonde's gaze.

"Psyche."

Upon hearing his name being called in such a firm tone he could help but shyly glance up at his lover.

"Psyche," Tsugaru repeated, "I'm not angry with you. As long as you're alright, I'm happy. Yes, I was very worried about you, but I'm not angry. It's alright, there's no reason to be scared."

Psyche felt a bit relieved by the words, allowing himself to finally relax into Tsugaru's arms. "I'm sorry for worrying you, Tsu-chan," he murmured, resting his head against the latter's firm chest.

"Well if everything is alright between you two love birds I'll be taking my leave~. Hibiya will have a bitch fit if I'm not home soon," he heard Delic say, followed by the 'click' of the front door closing.

Psyche couldn't help but let out a small laugh, nuzzling against Tsugaru's warm body.

~...~

The figure in the reflection of the mirror was genuinely smiling for the first time in weeks.

Psyche was finally beginning to look he way he wanted to. He turned so his slim back was facing the mirror, admiring the lean, sharp look of his shoulder blades. The raven giggled happily, strutting over to where several shirts lay sprawled across the bed.

Just a little over two weeks ago he had begun to wear layers of clothes to hide the weight loss. Psyche knew that his friends wouldn't understand his intentions. If they found out they would be angry- No. They'd be furious. They would make him stop dieting. He wouldn't let that happen, things were finally starting to go his way.

After he slipped his shirts on he picked up his favorite white fur coat, making sure to button it up all the way. One would think the male would be hot in all the layers of clothing, but ever since he started losing weight he started losing weight he had begun to become more sensitive to temperatures.

Psyche made his way out of the bedroom, humming a tune that he had just made up.

His happy mood was cut short though, and he felt his heart sink a little as he glanced over at where Tugaru lay asleep on the plush sofa. His lover had stopped sleeping in the bedroom with him last Sunday. Since it was now Saturday.

_'I'm sorry Tsu-chan...' _he thought, blinking away a few tears that had welled up in his eyes. He remembered the events of that Sunday night. Tsugaru had been desperate to find out why the raven had started acting so distant to him, but Psyche refused to tell. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. It had really upset Tsugaru and their conversation had escalated into a heated argument.

Since then, the two barely spoke a word to each other, although they would occasionally glance at each other while they assumed the other wasn't looking, their eyes filled with love and longing.

Psyche pushed the painful thoughts from his mind, letting his sad gaze remain on Tsugaru just a moment longer before he went to the door to put on and lace up his sneakers.

As a last minute decision, Psyche made his way to the kitchen, taking out a pink container that he always kept filled with water. _'Wouldn't want to dehydrate,' _he thought with a giggle.

He took a gulp of the liquid in the bottle, almost immediately rushing over to the sink to spit out what he hadn't already unfortunately swallowed. A few tears welled up in his eyes as he turned on the faucet and washed his out with cool water.

"Are you alright, Psyche?" Tsugaru was now standing at the entrance to the kitchen. "I heard you coughing."

Psyche looked toward him, pouring the red liquid that was in the bottle down the sink. "What was in this, Tsugaru?" he asked, holding the container up in front of Tsugaru's face.

"Hm? It was just juice. I bought it for you because I thought you might like it.." Tsugaru explained, the last part of what he said coming out only a few octaves higher than a whisper.

"What?! Tsugaru why would you give me _juice_?!" Psyche nearly screamed, a sudden flash of anger flooding through him.

Tsugaru flinched a bit at the sudden change in the raven's tone, opening his mouth to reply, but Psyche continued to speak.

"Do you know how much sugar is in juice? How many calories are in it?! In just that one drink I took there was so many...I-I..I have to go for a run..I'll see you later Tsugaru," Psyche quickly moved past the other, heading for the front door.

He had barely even made it half way there before he was stopped by Tsugaru's large hand grabbing onto his shoulder. "Psyche," his voice was firm. "Why are you acting this way? You've been doing this ever since you started this ridiculous diet of yours. What's going on with you? Please..Talk to me," Tsugaru's voice was calm but his eyes were pleading for an answer.

Psyche wanted so badly to tell him at that moment. To hug his lover and have everything be alright between them. He didn't want to keep secrets from Tsugaru, especially ones that were damaging his relationship, but he knew he couldn't, so he simply stared back at the blonde, just barely shaking his head 'no'.

The defeated, hurt expression on the blonde's face made Psyche's chest tighten painfully, but still, he said nothing. Even if he tried, his voice would fail him.

The raven just turned, walking out the door.

With every step he took his legs felt heavier.

He let the tears he had been holding back so desperately fall down his cheeks, his body shaking as he tried to hold back sobs.

Neither had to say anything, they didn't have to. It went without saying.

His relationship with Tsugaru was ruined.

* * *

**God..this has actually been in my notebook for a week or two, I've just been too lazy to type it up. Sorry! Anyway~ it's up now! Since I've neglected this story so much, I'll give you a tiny preview for the next chapter:**

_When Psyche got back from his walk Tsugaru was sitting on the couch, his calm gaze resting on the door. It was like he had been waiting for him to return._

_Psyche tried not to meet his gaze as he awkwardly walked toward the bedroom, but he could feel Tsugaru's eyes watching him the entire time. He reached for the door knob, desperately wanting to escape from the other's sight. _

_"Psyche." Tsugaru said, just as the other was about to turn the handle._

_Psyche hesitated, but reluctantly turned to face him. "Y-Yes, Tsugaru?" his voice shook as he spoke._

_The larger male rose from the couch to stand in front of the raven, his expression stern. "You..answer me, alright? Please..Psyche...A-Are you..Are you starving yourself?"_

_Psyche's eyes widened at the question. How did he find out? He had been so careful...He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, unable to find any words to say._

_Tsugaru let out a small sigh, shaking his head. "So it's true.." He murmured. "Psyche, I'm begging you..Talk to me! Tell me why you're doing this to yourself! You were so perfect the way you were, there was no reason to feel the need to change your appearance! What could you possibly gain from starving yourself?!" Tsugaru's voice was cracking even though he was trying so hard to keep his voice steady. He wanted so badly to know why the man he loved so much was doing such a horrible thing to his body._

_Psyche remained silent for a minute before he shook his head, looking up at the blonde. "You don't understand Tsugaru..._


	7. 6 - Mended relationship

**Disclaimer - I do not own Durarara!**

**Still have not abandoned this story~ Just going slow.**

* * *

When Psyche got back from his walk Tsugaru was sitting on the couch, his calm gaze resting on the door. It was like he had been waiting for him to return.

Psyche tried not to meet his gaze as he awkwardly walked toward the bedroom, but he could feel Tsugaru's eyes watching him the entire time. He reached for the door knob, desperately wanting to escape from the other's sight.

"Psyche." Tsugaru said, just as the other was about to turn the handle.

Psyche hesitated, but reluctantly turned to face him. "Y-Yes, Tsugaru?" his voice shook as he spoke.

The larger male rose from the couch to stand in front of the raven, his expression stern. "You..answer me, alright? Please..Psyche...A-Are you..Are you starving yourself?"

Psyche's eyes widened at the question. How did he find out? He had been so careful...He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, unable to find any words to say.

Tsugaru let out a small sigh, shaking his head. "So it's true.." He murmured. "Psyche, I'm begging you..Talk to me! Tell me why you're doing this to yourself! You were so perfect the way you were, there was no reason to feel the need to change your appearance! What could you possibly gain from starving yourself?!" Tsugaru's voice was cracking even though he was trying so hard to keep his voice steady. He wanted so badly to know why the man he loved so much was doing such a horrible thing to his body.

Psyche remained silent for a minute before he shook his head, looking up at the blonde. "You don't understand Tsugaru...You look _perfect. _You can look at yourself in the mirror without feeling disgusted at what you see staring back. I _hated_ how I looked, but now I'm finally starting to look the way I want! I don't feel revolted when I see myself. I know all you're going to do is tell me how I don' need to do this and try to convince me to stop...but, I want to do this and nothing you or anyone else can say is going to change my mind..I'm sorry, Tsu-chan."

At first, Tsugaru was silent. Tears began to well up in Psyche's eyes as he awaited his lover's reply.

"..Let me see..Let me see how you look," The blonde said, his voice quivering slightly.

Psyche hesitated, but slowly unbuttoned his jacket, sliding it down and off his lithe body. He removed the layers of shirts all at once, letting them fall to the floor beside his discarded jacket, shivering from the room's temperature.

Now, his weight loss was completely evident.

His arms were so thin, Tsugaru was sure he could wrap his hand entirely around his bicep if he wanted to. His ribs apparent enough that he could probably count each one.

Tsugaru's heart ached at the sight. He was speechless, simply staring at Psyche. His appearance made his stomach churn, but no matter how hard he tried, he could not look away from the frail figure. A part of Tsugaru wanted to reach out and hug his lover, but he looked so fragile, Tsugaru was scared he would break him if he felt his eyes sting as tears threatened to form in his blue eyes.

"Psyche," he began softly, but was unable to continue. What could he say? So he just continued to watch the other, slightly horrified.

Psyche kept his head bowed.

He felt embarrassed and scared. His body was visibly shaking, both from feeling cold and from fright. He wanted desperately to escape to his room and hide himself beneath the blankets, but his arms and legs felt as heavy as lead, to heavy for him to lift.

Seconds passed like hours as the two stood in their spots, for what seemed like a lifetime.

Eventually, Tsugaru looked away, his expression unreadable. His bangs kept his eyes from view as he hung his head, shoulders slightly trembling.

"Please," he said, his voice just barely above a whisper. "Don't..Don't do this to yourself."

Not waiting for a reply, he turned his back to Psyche and left the apartment.

Psyche allowed his tears which he didn't even know he was holding back fall, not bothering to hold back his sobs. He slid down to the floor, hugging his knees close to his chest.

"I'm sorry, Tsu-chan. I'm so sorry," he cried between sobs, even though he knew the latter could not hear him. "I-I..I just wanted to make myself look better for you..b-but at the same time...I knew you wouldn't like this..but I did it anyway...because I was scared..I didn't want to become fat and make you want to be with someone better..You deserve the best after all..I-I knew this was ruining our relationship..E-Even though I kept telling myself over and over that this was for you...I'm so _sorry_, Tsu-chan..I'm just..I'm sorry.." Psyche didn't know why he couldn't say any of this before when Tsugaru was still there. Thinking to the words he actually _had _said, his heart lurched. He probably sounded so mean.

_'I wouldn't be surprised if he hates me now,' _he thought, more sobs wracking his body. He ended up crying himself to sleep, still in his spot in front of the door.

~..~..~

Sunlight shone through the window, signaling that dawn had arrived.

Psyche let out a tired groan, quickly interrupted by a yawn, moving to pull the blanket over his face to shield himself from the sun.

He was surprised to find that he could not move his arms very much. He allowed his eyes to open fully, slightly jumping when he came face to face with his lover's visage.

Tsugaru's arms were wrapped around Psyche's body in a firm but gentle embrace, holding him close to his chest. "Tsu-chan.." he murmured, placing a soft kiss on his cheek. Tsugaru stirred a bit, although he remained asleep.

_'Tsu-Chan must have carried me to bed when he got home,'_ he thought.

Psyche cuddled closer to his boyfriend, enjoying the other's presence beside him. It felt like it had been forever since they slept together like this. He let out a sigh of content, letting his eyes slip closed.

"Sometimes..I wish we could always stay like this," he whispered. As if on cue, Tsugaru's arms tightened around him.

A smile spread across the raven's face as he allowed himself to drift off back to sleep.

~..~..~

When Psyche awoke for the second time that morning, he was alone in the bed.

"Tsu-Chan?" he called, rising to his feet, shivering as his bare chest was exposed to the cold air of the room.

"I'm out here, Psyche," he heard Tsugaru respond.

Psyche smiled, slipping on a T-Shirt, and left the bedroom.

He was greeted with the sweet aroma of pancakes and sausage, the scent causing his empty stomach to let out a hungry growl. He tried to ignore his hunger, going in to the kitchen where Tsugaru stood in front of the stove.

"Morning, Tsu-chan~"he greeted his lover happily, clinging to the taller male's arm.

"Good morning, Psyche. Be careful, the stove is still on," the blonde warned. Psyche hummed in response, watching Tsugaru finish up the pancake in the frying pan. "Oh, your breakfast is done already." he said, motioning over to the small dining room. "I know you're trying not to eat, but I didn't give you much..Please try to eat it."

Psyche stared at the plate, the sight of the food making his stomach both churn in disgust and rumble in hunger.

"I c-cant," he stuttered. "Please don't make me Tsu-chan.."

Tsugaru let out a sigh. "I can't _make _you do anything, but it would make me very happy if you would at least try to eat a little bit."

Psyche seemed reluctant, but sat at the table. "Do I really have to?" he asked, poking the breakfast warily with his fork. Tsugaru didn't respond, only looking at him expectantly.

Psyche groaned, cutting of a small piece of the fluffy pancake and holding it in front of his face. He stared at the food for a minute before actually putting it in his mouth.

Despite wanting to spit the pancake right back out, he forced himself to chew and swallow it. reaching for his glass of water, he took a large gulp, pushing the plate away from him.

"I can't," he said, shaking his head.

"You're making this harder than it has to be. You haven't even eaten anything," Tsugaru observed, looking at the still full plate of food. "Just try to eat a little more. Please?"

Psyche really didn't want to, but he picked up the fork once more. He would make himself eat so he wouldn't disappoint his lover.

~..~..~

"Ne, Tsu-chan, I'm going for a walk. I'll be back soon."

Psyche had managed to eat almost half of his breakfast, but would make sure to work of the calories. He wasn't going to abandon his diet.

Tsugaru, who had been washing dishes, look out from the kitchen. "Would you like me to come with you?" he asked, drying his hands with a paper towel.

Psyche shook his head. "No, I'll be alright. Bye Tsu-chan~."

~..~..~

Tsugaru lay sprawled across the couch, his eyes lazily set on the television. Nothing special was on, he was just watching the news. It was simply something to keep him occupied until his beloved arrived back home.

He wasn't really listening to what the reporters were saying; it didn't interest him. Besides, the same things were on the news every day. Well, usually that was the case.

Not wanting to hear anymore of the tedious rambling, Tsugaru reached for the remote, only to stop mid-way when the TV announced breaking news.

_"We are live at the scene where a young man has just collapsed. We aren't sure what the cause of his loss of consciousness is, but we assume it is from a heat stroke as he appears to be wearing several layers of clothing.__"_

Tsugaru listened in both surprise and horror and a shot of the man was shown as he was being placed in to the ambulance.

He knew that man.

Tsugaru didn't wait to hear any more of what the woman was saying, and grabbed the TV remote to shut the television off, moving toward the door.

Before he could leave though, his phone rang.

Swiftly grabbing the cell phone from the counter he flipped it open and held it to his ear.

_"TSU-" _Tsugaru didn't wait to hear what Delic was going to say, he already knew what it was going to be.

"Yes I know," he said, cutting him off. "It's Psyche."

* * *

**Whoo~ sort of long chapter :3. **

**Ugh, I need to start updating this faster..Mehh, do you guys like this so far? I saw that I have some new followers :3 as well as favorites. Thank you to everyone who is following this story!**

**I know this was poorly written, I'm sorry! I wanted to update _before _next year ^-^' heh heh...again, sorry.**

**Anyway~ **

**Guys, review please! It really helps me to write cuz I know you want more!**

**o.o or...if you don't want more, I accept negative reviews too o.o'...Thank you~!**


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